I have spent a great deal of effort recruiting a wonderful yet sometimes painfully inept webmaster who can, quite frankly, be a certifiable moron when some of her efforts are applied to technological applications.

You see, Sue is unique in the respect that she wholeheartedly accepts the unavoidable fact that an overly stuffed 5.2 inch talking gnome can lend invaluable support. I am proud to say that I have acquired immeasurable tech savvy and site building mastery while watching Sue refine her webmaster skills. And in no time you will too.

Now, before we can continue any further,
I must swear you to secrecy.

You see, I've put this Website Help Journal together without Sue's knowledge; so you can't ever tell! Sue can never know! I'm 100% sure she would have one of those awful conniption fits if she was to ever find out.

Gosh, and just so you know how important this promise is to me, it is a matter of self-preservation. That's right! My very Gnomeliness would be in jeopardy if word of this ever got out.

I can see it now...

Sue would stop protecting me from that little hairy beast that she lets snuggle up to her feet when she works on her websites.

The beast's name is Jake.

He is an Australian terrier.

That's right, one of those down-under chaps.

(He's also a major pain in the kabunzies!)

Unfortunately, Jake has been seriously and profoundly short-changed in the intellect department.

Just imagine Winnie the Pooh's friend Tigger all fired up on mega doses of caffeine combined with the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz (if he only had a brain) bouncing aimlessly about with wild abandon.

What's even more unfortunate is that Jake likes me. I mean it! Jake really, really loves me.

(*Groan*).

If Sue isn't actively protecting me that little hare brain rascal is up on the computer chair in a heartbeat to snatch me away from my ever vigilant post next to the computer screen.

I can't even begin to tell you how much I suffer when I'm held captive in his disgusting slobbery mouth.

Then, to my further humiliation he prances around the house with me digging his canines as far into my belly as they will go in an effort to hear me beg for release in the most undignified manner.

So, I'm sure you can understand how absolutely essential it is to secure your solemn promise before I can reveal any secrets and pass along my highly coveted web site building help so you can prevent web site problems.

Do I have your solemn promise?
Cross your heart and hope to go to cyber purgatory?

Alrighty then.
(I seriously do need all the protection I can get from that little beastie so I'm going to have to trust you on this!)

In order to get started you will need to gather together few but very essential items:

• Consistent access to my Website Help Journal: Save to Favorites or use this handy, dandy little widget:
  

  



• Your Own Webmaster Mentor: (That would be me, Gnomely, the one and only virtual website building help wizard). You can be content with my virtual self which is located only on this most riveting website or you can order one of my siblings so you have your very own mentoring Cyber Gnome.
  
  The ever so handsome Henry the Talking Gnome will stand proudly by your computer screen and stare endlessly and patiently at you during your entire web building experience. (A word of warning... my siblings and I can be programmed to talk back to you so be careful how you treat your Cyber Gnome Mentor!) And for even more riveting webmaster help that will literally blow you away don't forget to get my ever faithful side-kick and companion, Walter too.

• A computer: I recommend one of those lap top computers so you can take your instruction, your website and my Website Help Journal wherever you go. (Don't forget about a back-up computer data storage system as well so you don't lose any of your very precious and important work!) 

• Site Build It!: Simply the best, quickest, easiest, most spectacular website hosting service on the planet. Don't even think about building your website without it!

Now remember...

Avoid these common website mistakes. You'll have no excuse because I'm going to share all sorts of wonderful website help with you right here, right now:

Don't Do It!
(or you'll be sorry... very, very sorry.)

Begin your journey to web mastery by selecting any one of my most enlightening and riveting "Don't Do It" Website Help Journal entries below.

I'd like to thank you for joining me. I'm so happy to have you as a member in my ever growing exclusive website help fan club!

And just to keep those two roly-poly fur balls happy, Bits and Bytes, would you please sign-up for their web site tips?

(Thank you so very much. You have my deepest gratitude!)

That way they will stop pestering me and leave me alone so I can keep up with my Website Help Journal entries.

"May His Cyber Highness, Gnomely, Webmaster Extraordinaire,
be with you always."

Your Ever Brilliant Webmaster,

Gnomely

P.S. If you happen to not have noticed yet or been kind enough not to mention it, my hands have been rather inconveniently stitched to my sides so sharing this information presents somewhat of a major challenge for me. So please be patient while I painstakingly add my Website Help Journal entries.

Gulp! It's now or never I guess.

So here goes.
Ready or not.
I'm opening my infamous journal just for you...

* My Website Help Journal Entries *

• Website Ideas: The No Good, Terrible, Very Bad Idea
  
  
• The (Heart-Stopping, Riveting and Infuriating) Tale of Two Cites
  
  Citation #1: Unauthorized Use Allegation by Getty Images
  Citation #2: Settle Demand Notice From Getty
  
  
The Four Part Tale Step-By-Excruciating-Step of the Entire Ordeal:

1. Internet Copyright Issues: Introduction to Sue's latest Sitemare
   
2. Copyright on the Internet: The 8 Page Packet Sue Received from Getty Images
   "Copyright Compliance Team"
   
3. Copyright Infringement Cases: Can Sue Avoid Being A Subject of a Getty Image's Lawsuit?
   
4. Internet Copyright Laws: A Boon or Bane to the Allegations Made Against Sue?


• The Great Web Site Graphic Challenge
• The "Click and Pray" Web Site Strategy
• Computer Language: The Gnomenclature of Cyber Linguistics
• The Best Search Engines Web Sites: The Tale of the Three Little Websites
  and the Big, Bad, Hairy Search Spider
  
• Web Site Solution: How to Prevent Sitemares

In process:

• Feeding Spiders Dust Bunnies
• Siteasters
• Who Tossed Their Cookies?

P.S. (Again) Hey, I've just had another one of my simply jaw dropping, fabulous and outstanding Gnomish ideas!

Why don't you get your worst website mistake off
your mind? (Click Here)

I've heard that you humans find it a cathartic experience to share your horror stories. (To be perfectly honest, I actually had to look up cathartic since Gnomes don't ever feel the need to confess anything; it means"... producing a feeling of being purified emotionally, spiritually)."

Well I say go for it!

I've created a Visitor Website Help Journal just for you!

What human doesn't want a bit of emotional purification now and then? I think it's marvelous that I have found such an ideal way for you to get purified!

Quick Tip: Click the questions marks on the form for very important information about writing your journal entry. (I have lots of secrets hidden there!)

Ta Da! The unveiling. Here it is.

Just for you...